Apology

Apology

Okay, I didn’t really
mean to tell you to
piss off this morning,
but I just became weary
with your “all will be well”
promises and the love
you reckon to pour
over me every day.
I’m sorry, right?
I didn’t mean it;
I just lose my way
sometimes
and feel lost.

This is a Prayer,
by the way,
I hope You’re
listening.

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62 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ina
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 09:51:30

    Hi Christine

    This is really moving in its direct honesty, the poem comes straight from your heart, and in the last lines it is clear to Whom you apologize…

    I am sure He will understand and accept πŸ™‚ (and I think you were probably right to tell Him to piss off … )

    I wish you all the love in the world and from above
    {{[ Christine }}}
    xx
    Ina

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Apr 19, 2012 @ 10:37:06

      Thank you Ina!

      I have told Him to pis off before but I was really angry this time!!

      I think we have sorted it LOL πŸ™‚

      Love and hugs xx

      Reply

      • Ina
        Apr 19, 2012 @ 10:38:35

        πŸ™‚ Well as an atheist I don’t really know, but if there is a He, he will forgive surely πŸ™‚
        Love and hugs xx

    • journeyintopoetry
      Apr 19, 2012 @ 10:58:32

      Ina,

      My “He” I think may be a lot different to that of others πŸ™‚
      Although I m learning gradually that one’s Higher Power or whatever we want to call it can be quite different for everyone.

      It’s not so much a “He” for me as a fountain of inner strength I get from somewhere unfathomable so I cal it “He” : – very complicated!! πŸ™‚

      Love and hugs xx

      Reply

  2. gonecycling
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 10:10:41

    This is fantastic, Christine! As Ina says, it’s so direct and honest, and very moving – but, as always, there’s a flash of humour that reveals your fighting spirit. I have exactly the same rages against Heaven, and many, many days when I feel everything’s hopeless and want more than dusty assurances that it will all turn out right in the end (and my dad’s a vicar and all!) But I know God understands – He was human too! – and I guess I’d rather have redemption and free will (and the losing-my-way and feeling-lost that goes with them sometimes) than either having Him rigidily control my life – or no hope at all. I think this is one of your best pieces, seriously, and one I shall keep coming back to. Hope the day picks up for you! N.xx

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Apr 19, 2012 @ 10:39:27

      Thank you Nick. This is a really lovely comment.

      My dad was a Methodist lay preacher for many years and I think he would have understood this poem. Though I may have had to replace “piss off” with “go away” LOL πŸ™‚

      Christine xcx

      Reply

  3. Jane Thorne
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 10:32:42

    Heartfelt and direct and there is nothing wrong with that lovely, nothing at all…..{{{{{hugs}}}}}} and much love to you xxxxxx

    Reply

  4. AngelaMarie
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 10:57:53

    Amen & blessings to the poetess of truth. xx much love to you! xx Angela who will bookmark this poem, too. It is a good prayer!!

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Apr 19, 2012 @ 10:41:51

      Thank you Angela for this reassuring comment.

      I did wonder whether the content of the poem may offend people but it’s honest and therefore I think ok.

      Much love
      Christine xcx

      Reply

      • AngelaMarie
        Apr 19, 2012 @ 12:48:54

        I think there is always risk in honesty. Have you seen my latest? I wrote it a few years ago, and I felt called to publish it yesterday – though not without “risk of offense.” It is not written or shared to offend, but to allow difficult questions to surface that I think need to be asked, to be remembered. It is heavy from many perspectives, and could be felt difficultly in many ways, I think. I do not wish for it to have a ‘hurtful’ or offensive affect… but if there is truth there, should it not be spoken? In any case, I think your poem is lovely and authentic. What hope is there in pretending?

        http://oneincreation.wordpress.com/2012/04/18/who-am-i-to-condemn/

    • journeyintopoetry
      Apr 19, 2012 @ 14:59:42

      Angela,

      Thank you. I have been to look at your latest, and very powerful post, and have left you a comment.

      You have helped me to feel more at ease with the honesty in my poem; it can be quite scary can’t it, being honest?! πŸ™‚

      Much love

      Christine

      Reply

  5. sandy
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 11:04:05

    I liked this, but had to come and say I LOVED it!

    Reply

  6. Poetry & Icecream
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 11:20:30

    Heartfelt and honest πŸ™‚

    Reply

  7. dfb
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 11:38:29

    This is really good Christine. And what a great twist at the end… πŸ™‚

    Reply

  8. belfastdavid
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 14:49:32

    you provoked a big smile from me with this one.

    My own most common prayer being –
    Dear God, I hope you know what you are doing!!!

    Far better than me actually!!!! πŸ™‚

    Much love

    David

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Apr 19, 2012 @ 10:47:32

      Thank you David.

      Yes I think I have heard that prayer of yours before πŸ™‚

      Let’s leave it up to him πŸ™‚

      Unless he gets fed up of my rants – but strangely enough he always seems to be there even when I swear at him.:)

      Lots of love

      Christine

      xxx

      Reply

  9. The Background Story
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 14:54:04

    but I just became weary
    with your β€œall will be well”
    promises—I LOVE THIS!!!

    Very honest and direct. πŸ™‚ I get you. πŸ˜€
    -C

    Reply

  10. susanjanejones
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 16:58:11

    Of course he’s listening. Nice poem.

    Reply

  11. Angela
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 17:33:50

    Great writing, Christine. This is a really great poem! Much love x

    Reply

  12. jeglatter
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 17:58:09

    This sings with honesty for me, love it.
    -Jennifer

    Reply

  13. Caddo Veil
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 22:07:32

    Hi Christine–love this!! God wants the real, authentic, genuine honesty of who we are at any given moment. He doesn’t require, or need, us to “pretty up” before we come to Him (one of many things I’m daily to Him for!). Sending you an extra helping of hugs today–just in case you have a place for them. God bless you abundantly. love you, Caddo

    Reply

  14. Eve Redwater
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 13:14:35

    Such an honest energy about this Christine! I love that you let us see this, thank you!

    Reply

  15. Emma
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 13:16:22

    Sometimes there’s nothing to do but let it out. That’s what I’m getting from this, Christine. Great way to explore those feelings! love it πŸ™‚

    Reply

  16. Bethany
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 23:41:18

    Your raw honesty is beautiful. Carry on. : )

    Reply

  17. Betty Hayes Albright
    Apr 21, 2012 @ 03:56:13

    Christine, I think we all can relate to this feeling, no matter who the “He” is for us. This is a most honest “prayer”! I hope you’re having (and will have) some better days. I recognize the frustration!!

    Reply

  18. journeyintopoetry
    Apr 21, 2012 @ 10:24:36

    Hi Betty,

    My “He” isn’t he at all really.

    To be honest I’m not sure what he/she/it is, I just feel ther hasd to be something because I can’t do life on my own, and it’s much easier to personify it.

    Reply

  19. Francina
    Apr 21, 2012 @ 11:39:50

    Honesty is all that counts, Christine, even when it’s a prayer. You made me smile with this poem πŸ™‚
    love and hugs,
    Francina xxx

    Reply

  20. bardessdmdenton
    Apr 21, 2012 @ 19:52:52

    This poem speaks to being human, as ‘he’ / ‘she’ / God / ‘the universe’…knows we are…and probably smiles a little at such desertion that is allowed to ‘bring us back’ stronger, in our faith at least. And following on what Francina said above, a prayer, in all honesty is one that is heard in all truth.

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Apr 22, 2012 @ 14:10:22

      Thank you Diane.

      My “He” hasn’t been a “He” for quite a few years now, definitely not the “He” I was told to believe in.

      I have a God of my own understanding now and I am very content with that.:)

      Much love

      Christine xx v

      Reply

  21. journeyintopoetry
    Apr 22, 2012 @ 14:07:51

    Thank you Francina

    It’s good to make you smile:)

    Christine

    Reply

  22. Thomas Davis
    Apr 22, 2012 @ 20:45:41

    Christine, I understand exactly where you’re coming from and appreciate you turning it into a prayer. There is so much good in our family, and over the years our son, daughters, Ethel, and I have helped so many in different ways. Yet, our grandson with severe autism has challenges that make you blanch. Last week an abscessed tooth combined with walking pneumonia. I’m fighting cancer. Our son died. Ethel is having a difficult time with her health at the moment. I won’t talk about what my Mom is going through. The burdens seem to be dumping out of the sky on our heads with the regularity of the tests God put on Job. Telling Him to piss off makes sense to me.
    Still, the blessings in our lives are so enormous. Ethel and I have shared a love for 44 going on 45 years, our son was so special in our lives even though he too went through difficult times, our daughters have blessed us inordinately, our first granddaughter is graduating from high school and will be off to college, our second granddaughter is taking off after her grandmother as a first rate artist, our oldest grandson and his dog Boulder are blessings of exuberance guaranteed to make grandparents smile, and our youngest grandson, in spite of his challenges, is someone we are continually concerned about.
    Therefore the prayer makes sense too. We will not get out of this life alive, so we know pain, but at least for spasmodic moments of radiance, to modify Sylvia Plath’s phrase a bit, we live inside our lives and know who we are and see sunrises and sunsets that lend us their glory.
    At the moment in time I truly appreciate this poem.

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Apr 23, 2012 @ 12:15:46

      Thomas,

      Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a comprehensive reply to my poem.

      As I get to know you and Ethel more (albeit virtually), I am realising the challenges you have faced in life and they are massive, more than anyone of us could begin to imagine. And now you continue to face them with your own health (I am also aware of your ever present chronic condition).

      You continue to rise above these challenges (if that is the correct phrase). I hope you know what I mean. And to that end you continue to be an inspiration to me and an example. I, too, have many family blessings to count and they go well beyond my ten fingers and toes. And Sylvia Plath’s lines make total sense to me. Thank you for sharing them here.

      You are often in my thoughts, particularly with your current challenge, and I do so wish you well with the remainder of your treatment and trust that it will see you through to fully restored good health.

      Please pass my good wished to Ethel.

      Christine

      Reply

  23. granbee
    Apr 23, 2012 @ 22:39:33

    Christine, I am so very pleased about Thomas’ caring and thorough reply to this post. I was talking to God a little bit like that myself while I was walking this morning. Praying and writing and blogging some days just all run together, don’t they? I love you and love that you have Jack and that you can pray about these difficulties. Re-reading this poem also made me think of the arguments with God engaged in by The Fiddler on the Roof! As Thomas says, there is going to be pain in this life–and there are showers of blessing. Hugs to you and Jack always!

    Reply

  24. journeyintopoetry
    Apr 25, 2012 @ 09:18:41

    Thank you granbee for this lovely comment.

    I, too, was very touched by Thomas’ comment, as you could probably tell by my reply We have a lovely little community here on WP and I am so grateful for all of you who are now an important part of my life so a BIG THANK YOU!! πŸ™‚

    Love and hugs from
    me and Jack(who is patiently
    waiting for a piece of my flapjack!!)
    xxx:)xxx

    Reply

  25. Fergiemoto
    Apr 25, 2012 @ 20:30:38

    Very moving and well done. I can feel the frustration and yearning from your words.

    Reply

  26. Broken Sparkles
    Apr 28, 2012 @ 04:29:36

    Honesty sets you free! Good that you share your feelings in your poems, I do hope it makes you feel good and strong! Thank you very much for your visits and comments! Regards,
    Blaga

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Apr 28, 2012 @ 09:31:20

      Thank you so much for your comment, it is much appreciated.

      I love reading your work; I found you via Dave Barker who I admire greatly and have been following for a while now πŸ™‚

      Christine

      Reply

      • Broken Sparkles
        Apr 28, 2012 @ 19:35:57

        Dave’s talent is indeed worth an admiration! It’s always nice to meet people via poetry/blogging, there is so much we can learn from each other!

    • journeyintopoetry
      Apr 30, 2012 @ 14:26:56

      That is so true! I have learned so much already and I have only been writing poetry for a year – it’s amazing the wisdom in people’s words and the talent that is here on WP πŸ™‚

      Reply

  27. lscotthoughts
    Apr 29, 2012 @ 16:58:14

    Christine, I’m sure many can relate to your honesty and I’m grateful that you shared this with us. A lovely prayer and I’m sending hugs your way! πŸ™‚

    Reply

  28. Dennis N. O'Brien
    Apr 29, 2012 @ 23:39:37

    I’m not religious Christine but I do remember during a long drought shaking my fist at the sky and giving the allmighty a good “telling off” so I at least to some extent know the feeling.

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Apr 30, 2012 @ 14:23:57

      Hi Dennis,

      I am not religious in the “conventional” sense, but I became aware of my own “Higher Power” when I became a member of Alcoholics Anonymous where we were able to develop a “God of our own understanding”. I still can’t explain what mine is really; but I feel there is something somewhere helping me garner strength through dark days and also simply helping me get through daily life.

      When I tell him/her/it to piss off I also shake my fists at the sky – I remind myself of John Cleese in his famous scene from Fawlty Towers where he is beating his broken down car with a large branch looking up and shouting “Thank you God!” !! πŸ™‚

      Christine

      Reply

  29. tikarmavodicka
    May 01, 2012 @ 23:55:12

    Hi Christine,
    I have read this poem many times over in my in-box. It is a beautiful prayer and not just for its honesty but for what it says about what our relationship with the Divine should be, honest.
    I would be lost without my faith, actually I’m very certain I wouldn’t be here at all without my faith. It very litterally saved my life. Despite my overall gratitiude I too have yelled, swore, flayed about, walked away and argued. I always come back to welcoming arms and that acceptance got me thorugh many many a rough day.
    If we believe our higher power knows us and loves us then there’s no point putting our feelings in pretty phrases, they know we’re angry and if we can’t be honest with God then who can we be honest with? (that’s rhetorical *lol*) I have come to believe that’s a good thing because it means we are actively engaging our faith and living it rather than just swallowing what we are fed.
    When my son was stillborn I was so angry I almost very nearly lost my faith in my anger as I discovered a new level of anger, rage…In that rage I learnt it leads to bitterness and I didn’t want to be a bitter person. If the Divine hadn’t allowed me to get angry to yell and scream and cry I wouldn’t have learnt that lesson and been able to consciously choose who I want to be and allow myself heal. They hold our hands as much as they let us fall on our faces. πŸ™‚
    I think this is a very important poem an inspiration and a reassurance. It is certainly a poem I will be returning to. Thank you so much for sharing it and for your honesty.

    with much love and
    (((BIG WARM HUGS)))
    Tikarma
    xoxoxo

    Reply

  30. journeyintopoetry
    May 02, 2012 @ 08:50:52

    Thank you so much Tikarma for this warm and heartfelt comment.

    I am totally with you regarding being able to be angry with our Higher Power. As you so rightly said if we can’t be honest with God… and a Higher Power who truly loves us is, of course, quite okay with the anger we feel; we are, after all, human and anger is a part of what we are equipped with in order to deal with the challenges of life.

    I have (as I think many others have too) had to learn this myself through the process of my life. The God I was brought up with lived on an angry cloud – yes, the cloud was angry too!!:) I was told he loved me IF and that was his downfall. A God of my own understanding doesn’t put conditions on love, and that has made all the difference to me.

    It must be truly devastating to lose a child and I honestly can’t even say I can imagine how it feels because I can’t. But from what I have come to know of you in a short space of time, I feel you are a very courageous woman and that courage, for what it is worth infiltrates through to others and shines as sparkling inspiration. And I know that words such as these are easy to say but I do mean them sincerely and I am so grateful our paths have crossed at this particular stage of my life.

    I wish you well with your current challenge and I will be thinking about you :):)

    Lots of love and
    (((GREAT BIG WARM HUGS)))

    Christine xx

    Reply

  31. renaeclare
    May 17, 2012 @ 20:40:53

    hello Christine, whatever higher power you had in mind when he spoke those most honest of words, I am certain that all of us had a different conception in mind. Mine would be a spiritual love that transcends all so that it doesn’t matter how much you curse or kick and scream or save the most dastardly things, a higher power always knows what is in your heart. And your writing is so pure that all of us ” get it”. thank you. You’re speaking my mind as well.
    Renae Clare

    Reply

  32. suzywordmuser
    Nov 18, 2012 @ 16:26:16

    Have done this too! We all have our piss off moments! πŸ˜†

    Reply

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