This morning when I woke up
I could feel it;
it’s been hovering for weeks,
inescapable feeling of losing grip,
oil-coated life slipping
through slithery-dithery hands.
Dependant on so many
for so much,
each doing their
not-good-enough best
because it’s not my way;
simultaneous overspill of gratitude;
Thank you for this, thank you so much for that;
I appreciate all your help, I really do…
I feel confused,
angry
and sad.
None of this was in the plan,
not mine.
Mine was to fly free,
up high among birds in a limitless sky,
oyster-world opportunities, well-earned.
So whose plan is this,
and why?
Or is it simply nature
being as cruel as it can be kind?
journeyintopoetry 
Jul 09, 2013 @ 14:18:43
Oh, Chris, this is written from your heart with honest emotion and it’s wonderful. I wish you could “fly free up high among birds in a limitless sky.” which is simply beautifully expressed. I can relate in the way you know of and I wonder whose plan these are when things like this interrupt our paths…I don’t know. That’s the fun part, we just don’t have the answers and I’m not sure we ever will. Maybe in time? Well, I’m here for you and I send more virtual hugs your way. You are a beautiful friend and I wish you all the happiness, I really do. HBL ♥
Jul 09, 2013 @ 14:47:42
This is a beautiful comnent Lauren and means so much, thank you!
I think I am emerging from the oily feeling at long last, but I do question so much when I feel like that. Faith in anything just slips away temporarily and its quite a scary pace to be because we all need something and when you feel belief and faith in whatever it is, diminishing like that life seems like a botomless pit.
What I do know, is that if I hadnt got MS, I probably wouldnt have started writing and wouldnt have met so many wonderful new friends of whom you are a very important one. So thank you for being there for me.
HBL ❤ XXX
Jul 09, 2013 @ 14:54:13
In some ways I want to grin when I read this.
As a description of that part of the process when acceptance and non-acceptance are in conflict with one another it is absolutely spot on!!
But it is part of the process and from time to time we have to go through it.
Confusion and anger are both part of the process.
Welcome to the other side 🙂
With much love
David
xxx
Jul 10, 2013 @ 10:59:00
Thank you David!
Well I think I have talked my head off to you about this one so you know my situation inside out and upside down! 🙂
As I said to you yesterday, and you agreed, I seem to be emerging from the “oil”,and hopefully, stronger for having been slipping and slithering. 🙂
Your comment had gone into spam!! I only noticed because someone else said he has been having this problem so I checked and there it was! 🙂
Much Love
Christine
xxx
Jul 09, 2013 @ 16:29:32
Heartfelt, Chris. There seems nothing to grasp hold of in this world of phenomena – except for love.
Jul 09, 2013 @ 16:39:13
Thanks so much Harry. I think you are right. 🙂
Jul 09, 2013 @ 20:09:33
This was such an emotional read, I felt your emotions as if they were my own. I lost myself in this, another beautiful poem Christine 🙂 x
Jul 09, 2013 @ 20:21:27
Thank you very much Becky.
I think I am coming through the down spell at last. It happens but it also passes. 🙂 x
Jul 10, 2013 @ 19:58:47
You’re welcome, I hope it passes soon for you 🙂 x
Jul 10, 2013 @ 20:03:03
Thank you 🙂
Jul 09, 2013 @ 21:24:10
Oh, Christine. I cried as I read these words from the depth of your being. I cried for you and I cried for me, too. I cried for the fragility of life, the frustration of our freedom, and in gratitude for those who help us.
I felt comfort, kinship and an easing of guilt, as I read the words
“each doing their
not-good-enough best
because it’s not my way;”
I’m more because you are a part of my life. You help me to be kinder to others, and gentler with myself.
So much love flows from me to you, my friend.
Tricia xoxo
Jul 10, 2013 @ 08:33:34
Thank you Tricia, for your loving, sincere and deep comment on this poem. It wrote itself and asked to be shared.
I have felt a connection with you right from the start which is growing stronger every day, and my love flows to you too my lovely friend.
I am going to finish this reply on a lighter note because as I type I can see Teddy (40 year old Teddy, but he’s very fit) , on the sofa opposite me taking in an upside down view of the garden. He’s such a copy cat ! – I told him about Big Ted upside down on your bed in the hotel and he simply wont be outdone! I wonder if he will require my asiatance in becoming upright again! 🙂
Lots of love and big hugs xxx
Jul 09, 2013 @ 21:40:49
I can so relate to this poem. Thank you for sharing and expressing these deep emotions that can be extremely difficult to put into words. xo
Jul 10, 2013 @ 08:35:40
Thank you very much Jackie. I appreciate your visit and comment very much, more so because I know how hard everything is for you right now. I think about you often.
Xx
Jul 10, 2013 @ 11:32:09
You’re very welcome. You are so sweet! Thank you. xx
Jul 09, 2013 @ 23:07:58
Ooooh… So many feelings I recognise in this one Christine. That thing of feeling one should show gratitude, but the frustration of feeling “needy”. So hard to keep a grip on it all. Your poems often sum up so many mixed emotions in a way that makes sense so clearly – it’s a gift not so many poets have.
Jul 10, 2013 @ 11:01:25
Thank you very much Holly! Your comment had gone into my WP spam! I only noticed because someone else had this problem. So I thought Id just check my spam thingy and there you were!! I nearly missed it! 🙂 xx
Jul 10, 2013 @ 06:51:15
My heart truly ached for you as I read this. I’m glad to read in the comments that this ‘oily’ feeling, which you invoke so well in this powerful poem, has begun to ease. You’re such an inspiration Christine – your courage, honesty, creativity and willingness to be with the questions that I believe none of us have the definitive answers for. I’m glad to be able to share some of your journey through reading what you write and consider your friendship as something precious that brings me much joy. Blessings on your day my friend, Harula xxx
Jul 10, 2013 @ 08:42:29
Thank you so very much Harula for this beautiful comment. You keep encouraging me every step of the way.
The feeling described in the poem is one that repeats itself but I know it passes. This time, it hit hard and I felt the need to write about it, which helps. Hopfefully sharing it might help someone else too. We usually find we are not alone when we give ourselves permission to open our hearts and share innermost feelings.
Thank you so much for your friendship,
Love and blessings xxx
Jul 10, 2013 @ 17:14:25
Kind of feels wrong to say I love this Christine, but I do, because it is so well said, and something that many will relate to!♥ It must be maddening to loose control of independence. I saw this happen to my Mum for many years, she had Rheumatoid Arthritis, and needed a great deal of help in the later years of her life. It’s actually hard for the helpers if they are family to see that happening too, because it feels like something is mocking you, reminding you that nothing stays the same, your parents won’t be here forever.. and on it goes. Life’s a great big bitch a lot of the time! 😀
I think that even those who appear to have everything together, have strength in their legs and can apparently do anything they want to, strangely, often feel like their life isn’t their own either! We do feel like feathers blowing in the wind a lot of the time, we just hold on tight and brush ourselves down afterwards – until the next gust of wind!
So well done for this, at least you were able to create a beautiful piece of writing about a frustrating subject that many feel – and there are many who can’t do that, who may wish they were you – life is strange! 🙂
Jul 10, 2013 @ 17:50:14
Thank you very much Suzy, for your lovely thoughtful comment.
It is very difficult when mentally you feel extremely fit. And after bringing up three children and always being the one totally in control and being there for everyone, and enjoying that life too, to get a diagnosis and subsequent rapid physical deterioration, just feels like a nightmare, and sometimes I feel like I will wake up andsee that it has all been that nightmare and things will be back to how they were.
All this, of course, is how I feel when I lose emotional balance. When this comes back, and it will, then the acceptance and equanimity return and my gratitude soars. I have a million blessings I can count every day, and do, even when I am feeling low.
Thank your for all your support. Xx
Jul 10, 2013 @ 18:29:28
The raw-ness in this touched my heart and made me a little angry that such pain and struggle have come to you, Christine. You return any help you receive a thousand-fold, maybe not always in kind but in something as if not more valuable -poetry and inspiration and true friendship and love for others.Sending all my love. XXXOOO ♥♥♥
Jul 10, 2013 @ 18:48:26
Thank you so much Diane.
This poem wrote itself last Wednesday when the young woman who cleans for me had to bring her two year old with her as her childminder had let her down. A two hour clean lasted 6 hours. But what could I say or do. My house needed cleaning. Up until the diagnosis I had never even entertained the idea of someone cleaning our house, and as much as she does a great job I hate having to have it cleaned, really hate it. And so of course at that point out came all the other things I hate too, and the seeming unfairness of it. Mentally, I am still capable of cleaning a mansion, never mind a house. And if she misses something obvious I get a feeling in my gut that I cant explain.
I feel so ungrateful but Im not. Im grateful for everything. And shes such a lovely person, very kind, and her mum has MS too so she understands how I feel. But that doesn’t seem to help. Goodness, just listen to me! Rant over!
Lots of love and big hugs xx❤
Jul 10, 2013 @ 19:12:58
Christine, such powerful imagery! I have felt that “inescapable feeling of losing grip, oil-coated life slipping
through slithery-dithery hands.” more times than I can count. Usually, it wasn’t the physical issues but the others often take physical form.
In an old poem, I mentioned that when writing poetry or prose, Anger writes the loudest. You capture the debate between anger and acceptance so well. As always, I admire your courage. Love, Lea XXxxXx
Jul 10, 2013 @ 20:08:52
Thank you Lea! At last we got here!!
You are so right about the other stuff taking physical form, I understand that one too. And yes! Anger certainly does write the loudest.
Thank you for your continued support and of course your friendship, which I treasure.
Xxx
Jul 10, 2013 @ 20:23:07
Merci beaucoup mon chere!
I am sure if we put the question to a vote, everyone would say you are an inspiration! 🙂 xxx
Jul 10, 2013 @ 20:27:19
🙂 xx
Jul 10, 2013 @ 20:27:55
Chris my lovely, we are here to catch you in our loving embrace, just as you catch us every time with your empathy, honesty and searing perception of life’s twists and turns. Much love and many hugs my funky teapot friend…always, Xxxxx
Jul 11, 2013 @ 10:12:17
Thank you Jane. What a lovely comment this is and has given me a very positive start to my Thursday. Thank you for being such a supportive, loving friend; I treasure you.
Crazy teapot hugs and love xx
Jul 10, 2013 @ 20:58:48
Sweetheart ~ self acceptance is so freeing… these experiences are crucibles that hopefully lift us and elevate us! You’re a winner!
Jul 10, 2013 @ 21:05:19
Thank you Debbie. Your words of wisdom are so reassuring. You inapire me wirh tour sense of calm, thank you xx
Jul 11, 2013 @ 09:33:22
You ask the right questions and express the right emotions in a matter of fact way, which at the same time is very moving. That is a gift.
Jul 11, 2013 @ 10:15:36
I rescued you from the mire! And found the testers too in the spam bog!
Your comment is very kind and caring; it means a lot, thank you very much 🙂
Jul 12, 2013 @ 12:19:28
Hi Christine,
This poem hits me right in the heart. It’s hard to know what say.
It can be so difficult to hold onto hope and faith when the course of life seems to have no answers we can readily grasp and are just left with whys??
It takes a lot of strength and courage to write what you feel in such an honest way but I feel in doing so you give yourself hope and strength. 🙂
I hope you find yourself rejuvinated in spirit soon.
Extra (((BIG WARM HUGS)))
And much love
Tikarma.
Xoxoxox
Jul 12, 2013 @ 16:49:01
Thank you very much Tikarma!
Yes I think the hope and strength I give myself through writing about the struggles, is one of the reasons that I keep on going with it. I always heard how therapeutic writing could be but I never understood this fully until I started myself.
I am emerging from the oily place I was in when I wrote this. These feelings happen from time to time and I know they will pass, but it never feels as though they willl at the time, and that can make them fightening.
Lots of love and
(((BIG WARM HUGS)))
Christine
Xx
Jul 12, 2013 @ 15:30:04
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Jul 22, 2013 @ 14:31:04
Thank you very much Shayne!
Im so sorry its taken me a long time to respond to your lovely comment! WordPress has been playing up recently and it sent your comment to spam for some reason. This has happened a lot lately so I checked it today and found your comment there!. So I “unpammed” it and it appeared!
Thank you again for your lovely comment.
Christine
Jul 16, 2013 @ 23:11:54
I am sure I would only repeat what all else has been already said.
So I offer my own hugs.
Nature just is…though we would like to think ‘She’ is human – and has a hand in our desitny, only we can make our own choices – to live with the cards we have been dealt. I wish you a light heart and sincere helping hands.
Jul 17, 2013 @ 04:06:17
Oh, Christine, this is both heartfelt and heartbreaking. I can relate to those words that you express with such emotion and articulation.
Lets both fly free in that big, blue, beautiful, limitless sky in both our minds and our dreams!
Hugs to you! 🙂
Jul 17, 2013 @ 08:06:53
Thank you very much Fergie. Your comment is very heartfelt too and much appreciated.
Ok, Im ready when you are – lets head toward rhat sky! 🙂
Hugs to you too xx
Jul 17, 2013 @ 08:36:49
Thank you very much Jules, for visiting and for your kind comment
And you are right, of course, our choices in dealing with the dealt cards are the key. And more often than not my choices are strong, positive ones. But every now and then an echoey voice comes from deep down in a well that says, “Ok, its negativity time now, no other choice applicable” , and I promptly fall in. Then begins the long haul out. But I get there.
Thank you for the hug 🙂
X
Jul 27, 2013 @ 19:26:23
Christine, I feel this one so much and can empathize!! We wonder why? and the answer doesn’t come.
Years ago when I told my friend (who is also a therapist) about the frustration that comes from becoming so dependent on my husband for everything, and how I’m always saying “thank you, thank you”, and the guilt of it all – she helped me put it into perspective. She said that maybe my husband’s purpose in living this life is to experience being a caretaker, and so we were put together for that reason. And my purpose is to develop even more compassion than before and accept the help graciously while counting my blessings – and no doubt working out some “karma” from my past.
It all made sense – though it doesn’t help with our current frustrations at wanting to fly free, be independent (like before), play freely with our grandchildren, among other things. So I resonate with your poem which you wrote beautifully. That “oil-coated life” slipping through our hands. Christine, you are sooooo very gifted!!! (Plus you help others, simply by sharing your own experience.)
Wishing you all the best possible – sending hugs to you!
Jul 29, 2013 @ 09:22:06
Thank you Betty!
I understand everything you are saying here. I often think when I am in a fairly positive frame of mind, that.this may have been given to me to lead me down a whole new path of self awareness and wholeness etc. but then I find myslf asking why the hell it should be so hard and painful. But like you say, we ask these questions and they remain unanswered. Accepting help graciously while counting our blessings can be such a daunting task.
Ans if part of this is to help me be a more compassionate person, then I have some hard work to do because if I am honest, I often find myslf being less compassionate than I used to be and become very irritated when people whine about trivial things. And yet I i am someone who says everyone’s pain is their own however big or small it may seem to us and we are all entitled to it and it is valid.. I think Im just a crazy mixed up “kid”!!
Lots of hugs coming your way
Xxxx
Oct 21, 2013 @ 09:36:53
Thanks for showing me this poem – it’s a very real glimpse into your world. Rather an uncomfortable one but I think it’s important to talk about the tough stuff too. Aside from a window into your thoughts and feelings it’s simply beautiful in its own right x
Oct 21, 2013 @ 10:04:39
Thank you Pooky.
I started writing after my diagnosis as therapy for myself, to put my emotions own on paper and I found and still find it so very helpful. Then I realised I enjoyed writing for its own sske too and it could be fun! So I managed to branch out, especially with a few nature style poems which is actually something I have always wanted to do but never seemed to be able to get there!
So I expect there will be many more about where I am with my illness yet to come!!
Thank you for taking time to comment here! Very kind of you 😊 xx
Oct 21, 2013 @ 19:55:46
You write beautifully, I ‘m so glad you found your words (and that I found you!) x
Oct 21, 2013 @ 20:10:22
Thank you Pooky, and Im glad I found you too! 😊