Journal Entry – Bruce Springsteen Concert

 

 

Wednesday July 24th – Part 1

This morning I am consumed by three feelings, excitement, anxiety and fear.  I am going to a concert tonight and I am excited.  I will be going to a new state of the art arena on its opening night, and whatever the collective name is for butterflies, I have it deep in my stomach; it is obviously as excited as I am at the prospect of seeing Brue Springsteen live. Not that I am “into him” in any big way, but his music evokes in me memories of a time  when I was, and I am looking forward to the atmosphere of a live concert as much as the music itself.  The butterflies have divided into groups matching how I feel, and some are clinging fervently to fear and anxiety.  Why?

Because in order to do what I am going to do tonight, I need to use a wheelchair for the first time. So I have been working hard on changing my attitude toward my illness and its progression. The tickets were booked back in February; the concert seemed an age away and it was very easy to decide to go.  I have given it very little thought since then thinking, perhaps in a rather convoluted way, that July might never arrive and I wouldn’t have to face what is now upon me, at the same time wanting very much to face it willingly.

I spoke yesterday to a friend in the same situation, but an “old hand” and she suggested to me that by agreeing to use a wheelchair I am being kind to myself, showing care and compassion. This makes sense to me, I think. (I am smiling; it’s not as though thousands of people are going to the arena tonight to see me).  She then said, “If you feel you need to, just wear a fake pot and pretend you’ve broken your leg”.  This made me laugh and ponder the strangeness of the human mind, how we can so easily think illogically.

Time to go and get ready for “The Boss”.

July 25th – Part 2

This morning I am feeling soberly hung over. I am still drinking in, absorbing and processing the success of last night’s efforts. I also feel very proud of myself for finally breaking down another huge barrier surrounding this illness. Oh, and Bruce was pretty good too! He performed non stop for more than three hours and his audience participation skills left me smiling out loud. He was well worth the heartache I had given myself in the weeks preceding the concert, and I had dished myself more than a fair share.

The wheelchair experience wasn’t anywhere near as traumatic as I had imagined it would be. I just kept in mind the words of my friend, who said that when sitting in a wheelchair, we have a very different view of the world; it consists mainly of bums!  I now know this to be true!

I do believe that most things we go through in life involve a process. When I was in early recovery from alcoholism, I learned that we change things when we have had enough pain; until this happens it is not possible to move forward.  It applies in other areas of life too.  I am aware that I recently arrived at a place where the desire to do something, in this case, go to the concert, began to outweigh the fear and anxiety of accepting a wheelchair, the end result being a chance to move forward toward new adventures.

My souvenirs from last night’s concert – a programme, (£15!!!! but essential!), a T shirt, a mug, and a gentle reinforcement of the knowledge that nothing changes if nothing changes.

Advertisements

36 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. triciabertram
    Jul 26, 2013 @ 11:08:52

    Such a wonderful post, Christine. Thank you so much for sharing so honestly. The one constant in life with chronic illness is coming to terms with change. As I wrote on Facebook, you’re an inspiration.
    You did it, you did it, you did it! Yay for you.

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Jul 26, 2013 @ 11:44:09

      Thanks so much Tricia.

      And you are so right. I know the only constant in life itself is change, but when dealing with a chronic illness I feel tnose periods of change are more acute. Im not sure if “acute”is the right word but I think you will know what I mean.

      And thank you for the Yay! I think Yay for me too! Lol

      Love and hugs
      Xxx

      Reply

  2. leamuse
    Jul 26, 2013 @ 11:36:14

    The applause is deafening, and The Boss was good too. You are amazing my friend and your honesty is such a gift to all who receive it. xxx

    Reply

  3. leamuse
    Jul 26, 2013 @ 12:07:09

    As am I for yours! Love xxx

    Reply

  4. lscotthoughts
    Jul 26, 2013 @ 15:03:21

    I have goosebumps from reading both entries, Chris! Not only is your writing honest, but it’s amazing; just very well written and expressed. And what an ending…”nothing changes if nothing changes.” I also can’t believe he performed for 3 hours, that is one good and long performance! Well, I’m repeating myself, but again, I’m so happy for you and this new revelation.

    Where fear once lived, now lives a new confidence! HBL ♥ xxx 🙂

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Jul 26, 2013 @ 15:16:29

      Thank you so much Lauren; this is a lovely heartwarming comment and means a lot to me.

      Yes, the fear has been kicked into the sidelines – for now at least. I am aware that it may come back and bite me but I will be ready. 🙂

      ❤ HBL XX

      Reply

  5. Ali Brown
    Jul 26, 2013 @ 17:31:29

    I feel so moved after reading this, and so proud of you. The wisdom you share in saying that ‘we change things when we have had enough pain; until this happens it is not possible to move forward’ rings so true…
    I am rather jealous that you got to see Bruce Springsteen! – But pleased that you had such a successful and memorable night! xx

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Jul 27, 2013 @ 10:59:17

      Thank you very much Ali for this heartfelt comment.

      I learned many words of wisdom in the rooms of AA many of which have stood me in good stead in other areas of life.

      I won’t ever forget this night for many reasons! xx

      Reply

  6. Jackie
    Jul 26, 2013 @ 18:35:24

    Thank you for sharing this. How wonderful for you! I’m so happy you were able to get past all the fear and anxiety to go do something that you really wanted to do. Look out world here she comes! *hugs* 🙂

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Jul 27, 2013 @ 11:01:43

      Thank you so much Jackie!

      It has taken some time to arrive at this point, and it feels good to tick off another first thing done which was holding me back 🙂
      Hugs to you too! 🙂

      Reply

  7. bennetta faire
    Jul 26, 2013 @ 19:27:31

    I am misty-eyed, reading this, Christine. SO SO SO proud of you for gathering your courage and facing what looked like such a big mountain–but was rather small, as you look in the rear view mirror, eh? We all have these experiences, whether MS related or something else. It’s so important to have great loving and supportive folks around us–and our All Powerful and Mighty God whose Love enables us to do much through His Strength. My prayers continue for you, that you will have more victories in the process–that you will surely FLY. I love you dearly, your USA sis

    Reply

  8. bardessdmdenton
    Jul 26, 2013 @ 22:53:06

    ‘… we change things when we have had enough pain; until this happens it is not possible to move forward.’ It is strange but true. Courage doesn’t happen easily, does it, and sometimes it doesn’t seem like courage at all, but necessity. It is wonderful that you share your journey through more of a trial than most of us have to face, because although it is specific it is also relatable and inspiring and just comforting to know that change is not easy for others, either … even when it makes things easier! I love you and am so happy that your first experience in the wheel chair was such a happy one. Blessings. XO ♥

    Reply

  9. suzywordmuser
    Jul 27, 2013 @ 00:38:56

    I’m thrilled you had a great time!! We can think about things too much sometimes, and convince ourselves that an arrangement isn’t such a good idea, I know I do! 🙂 It’s good you didn’t let your anxiety stop you. Concerts are great for making you feel young again – even for a little while!

    I know what you mean about the way people will perceive you sitting in a wheelchair, or at least how you feel people will see you. I went out to a Craft Fair once in a wheelchair, in the 80’s when I was in my early 20’s and was going through a pretty major illness. I couldn’t stand very long, and I needed to be in a wheelchair mainly because of lack of energy. I remember it was such a strange experience, I got the most heart wrenching sympathetic looks from some of the stall holders that I bought items from, it was very strange! I was so relieved not to have to rely on a wheelchair all the time!

    But on the other hand at least when I was sitting in a wheelchair everyone remembered I was sick and lacked energy. Out of a wheelchair with a good layer of make up on, I didn’t look sick at all, and friends used to forget, and get a bit shocked when I ran out of energy trying to keep up with them! Wheelchairs have their drawbacks and bonuses!

    So what concert are you going to next!? 😀

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Jul 27, 2013 @ 11:11:30

      Thank you so much Suzy for your lovely comment.

      I understand all you say here! I actually felt as though I was pretending when I was in the wheelchair! I dont look ill at all! Except when I walk it is absolutely clear there is

      something wrong. But I relate to all the feelings you mention. So yes, drawbacks and benefits definitely!

      I will be looking out for future concerts! I would love to see Bryan Adams!! 🙂 xx

      Reply

  10. Francina
    Jul 27, 2013 @ 19:52:40

    oh yes… brave, brave lady! You can be so proud of your self! it’s a giant step but you did it! Bruce was in Holland too. Most of the time I don’t pay too much attention what is going on in the concert world, so I see or read it afterwards and think shoot..I missed it..;p; ..
    by the way , WP made me an unfollower…( if that is a correct word 🙂 Now me is following you again 🙂
    love and hugs xxxxxx

    Reply

    • Journeyintopoetry
      Jul 29, 2013 @ 08:44:52

      Hi Francia,

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment. It is a really good feeling to have conquered sonething that I had allowed to become the size of an elephant!

      WP has been playing all sorts of tricks on us lately! It has made me an “unfollower” on a couple of blogs too! And as for sendingthings to spam! I won’t even start…!! Lol

      Lots of love and hugs

      Xxx

      Reply

    • Journeyintopoetry
      Jul 29, 2013 @ 08:48:39

      Hi Francina,

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment. It feels good to have conquered something that I had allowed to grow into the ize of an elephant!

      WP has been playing tricks on us all lately!

      Lots of love and hugs
      Xxx

      Reply

  11. I HAVE A VOICE
    Jul 28, 2013 @ 03:29:06

    You’re a wonderful writer in conveying emotions and thoughts most can relate to. So happy you enjoyed your concert and acted on a difficult situation with wisdom ~ Bravo Christine !

    Reply

  12. tikarmavodicka
    Jul 28, 2013 @ 12:54:20

    Hi Christine,

    This is such a wonderful journal entry. 🙂 I’m so happy for you that you were able to go to the concert and see “The Boss” it sounds like it was such an amazing evening! As well as enjoy a good night out and I’m so very happy for you too that you were able to face the anxiety that the wheelchair first provoked and give it the flick. 🙂
    Who knows where this will lead! Hopefully to many more an adventure for you. 🙂 Most of all I’m very happy for you that in embracing the wheelchair you have more contentment and peace in your life and yourself as a consequence.
    Your experiance is living proof that we all own the power to make the changes in life we’re needing to live postively.
    Thank you for sharing your experiance. 🙂

    with lots of love and
    ((((BIG WARM HUGS))))
    Tikarma
    xoxooxox

    Reply

    • Journeyintopoetry
      Jul 29, 2013 @ 08:58:24

      Thank you very much Tikarma.

      It definitely feels like I have reached a milestone here. It has taken longer than I would have liked (I am impatient by nature !! Lol) but I think soetimes our subconscious knows best and the process simply needed to take place slowly until it felt I was ready. Thats how I see it.

      Thank you so much or your continued support both creatively, and simply in life’s struggles/joys. 🙂

      Lots of love and
      (((BIG WARM HUGS)))
      Christine
      Xx

      Reply

  13. beckarooney
    Jul 30, 2013 @ 16:52:34

    This was so incredibly touching, your honesty is what makes your posts so heartfelt Christine. May you continue to become stronger in every aspect of your life, it’s great to read your blog again 🙂 x

    Reply

    • Journeyintopoetry
      Jul 31, 2013 @ 12:33:06

      Thanks so much Becky.

      I hope I can continue as you suggest and become stronger. Sometimes I think we surprise ourselves and wonder where the courage came from. If we look deeply enough we will find it I think. 🙂 And its good to see you again after your time at Kew! 🙂 xx

      Reply

      • beckarooney
        Jul 31, 2013 @ 19:20:58

        I agree, I believe in the saying “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” it’s used a lot but it’s true 🙂 thank you, it’s good to be back! x

  14. Fergiemoto
    Jul 30, 2013 @ 23:55:34

    That is a huge step, and you did it!! Congratulations, Christine! How wonderful! I saw a quote recently similar to your “nothing changes if nothing changes.” That is so true. My mother had to use a walker for the first time in her life after leaving the hospital recently. It was so difficult for her to accept, but she did it, and she is gradually able to walk a little more on her own now.
    Glad the concert event went well for you!
    I went to a Bruce concert several years ago, and it was just awesome!

    Reply

  15. Journeyintopoetry
    Jul 31, 2013 @ 12:38:09

    Thank you very much Fergie.

    Im sure facing these dificult challenges gives us strength we never thought we had.

    Bruce is some performer, what a fabulous evening! Its thecfirsttime Ive been out on an evening or ages. Idforgotten how good it feels! 🙂

    Xx

    Reply

  16. countingducks
    Aug 01, 2013 @ 18:13:38

    Guts are shown in many guises I think, but you’ve got them all pretty much covered. I know if I’d seen you, I just would have been pleased to be able to do so whether you were on stilts, in a wheelchair or on legs. Don’t get me wrong, it really sucks that you are not well but if life is how you approach it, you are a lesson to many of us. I have a soft spot for Mr Bruce as well. He can certainly sing

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Aug 01, 2013 @ 18:29:56

      Thank you very much Peter! I appreciate the visit too, as I know you are busy writing. Hope its going well.

      And now Im smiling trying to imagine myself on stilts!! 🙂 you always manage to give me a smile so keep them coming. 🙂 your comment is very heartfelt and so much appreciated.

      I would go and see him again if I had the chance; his performance was beyond my expectations of him at his ripe old age of 64. How he prances around singing at the same time for three and a half hours leaves me quite speechless.! 🙂

      Reply

  17. harulawordsthatserve
    Aug 06, 2013 @ 16:08:10

    Sorry I missed this one! I’m so glad you had a wonderful time – well worth the heartache as you say, and now that heartache is done and dusted…you’ve done the wheelchair thing so now…what’s to stop you? You’re an inspiration Christine, and I do hope you’ll continue to intersperse your poetry with these prose posts. You relaly do write them so well. With love and warm congratulations, Harula xxx

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Aug 07, 2013 @ 12:12:48

      Thanks so much Harula!

      The world is my oyster! Well to an extent more than I was allowing it to be. But change is a process and I seem to clear each new hurdle when I am well and truly prepared and ready. There’s lots more to enjoy! 🙂

      Lots of love and appreciation for your encouragement
      Xxxx

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Wendy L. Macdonald

My faith is not shallow because I've been rescued from the deep.

Pitching Pennies Poetry

the work of smzang

antryump

"A Blog worth reading "

Veggiewitch

...adventures of a Crafter-Mama!

The Fat Damsel

Poems To Survive In

roughwighting

Life in a flash - a weekly blog on daily living

Some Good Things

Musings of an explorer...

Poet's Corner

Poems, poets, poetry, writing, poetry challenges

Seasonings

Just a little poetry...

Traces of the Soul

Whispering insights of this, that, then and there

esperluetterbox

words and pictures

Gramma Krackers

Words of the Wise Krackers

dVerse

Poets Pub

leaf and twig

where observation and imagination meet nature in poetry

Petals Unfolding

~Authentically Creating My Life According To Me~

%d bloggers like this: