The Party is Over and Pointless Wishing

The Party is Over and Pointless Wishing

has reared its ugly head again.
I have a sense of being
left behind,
out of the loop of a life
that once defined me.

The Halloween party was a joy,
but it’s over now
and a bubble of “normal” I blew
for its duration has popped.

Family and friends have left,
wearing their independence
like a casual accessory
flung over a shoulder, and

I sit and look at the wonky,
creased up smile on a tired
pumpkin faced balloon
as it lies limp on the floor.
I, too, am limp;
I haven’t the energy to
pick it up

or to do anything else at all,
and writing poetry or reading,
which, especially at times such as this,
is what usually keeps me feeling alive,
just isn’t enough.

I simply want what I cannot have.

Image

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52 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ina
    Oct 30, 2013 @ 16:24:52

    Oh Christine, that is sad, but it is a beautiful poem. Somtimes it is not fair.
    Big Hugs {{{ Christine }}} and I hope you will get a lot of energy back soon! L&H xx

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Oct 30, 2013 @ 17:09:43

      Thank you very much Ina. It will take a few days and when the physical energy returns, the emotional balance has a chance to restore itself. Im learning the process. 😊 L&H xx

      Reply

  2. Cynthia Jobin
    Oct 30, 2013 @ 16:43:16

    Dear Christine…I am now finding it quite hard to believe you are a novice at writing poetry. This poem, so straightforward and so poignant is definitely “the best words in the best order,” as Robert Frost defined poetry, in its expression of truth. The “bubble of normal”…the independence as a casual accessory (and isn’t that infuriating!) and the final line—-heartbreakingly brilliant!

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Oct 30, 2013 @ 17:47:57

      Cynthia, your comments are always so full of encouragement for me, thank you for your great support. I hadnt heard that particular quote by Robert Frost; its wonderful. And he was one of the poets that gave me a big shove into poetry with his poem The Road Not Taken, along with Mary Oliver.

      Thank you so much for your lovely words here, and yes, it is very frustrating. Im not glad you know it from expeience but the empathy is comforting, thank you. Oh dear, I cant stop saying thank you!! I will stop now! 😊

      Reply

  3. Jackie
    Oct 30, 2013 @ 16:52:08

    Beautifully poignant poem. Thank you for your honesty and straightforwardness it’s like a breath of fresh air. xox

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Oct 30, 2013 @ 17:51:32

      Thank you Jackie! I sometimes feel I should hold these poems back but a good blogging friend once told me not to be afraid to share the dark stuff because its a part of life, and so I do, and if that can help someone else as well as myself its a huge bonus. Xxx

      Reply

  4. Christine Thomas
    Oct 30, 2013 @ 17:00:09

    Oh Christine reading the truth of your words felt so emotionally real to me. Well done Christine xx

    Reply

  5. Betty Hayes Albright
    Oct 30, 2013 @ 17:18:31

    This is written so beautifully, Christine – and described so well with the limp balloon metaphor, and how you feel when:

    “Family and friends have left,
    wearing their independence
    like a casual accessory
    flung over a shoulder…”

    Wow!! You’ve expressed it perfectly. Please don’t ever hesitate to post a poem such as this. It helps many others with chronic conditions to know that they’re not alone in feeling this way at times. And I love that about your poetry!

    Sending you a hug and much gratitude.

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Oct 30, 2013 @ 18:21:12

      Betty, thank you so very much for your lovely comment. It means a great deal because I dosometimes wonder whether to share this darker subject matter. But Im learning as I go along that they do seem to help others too, and that gives me a warm feling. A bighug back to you xx

      Reply

  6. beckarooney
    Oct 30, 2013 @ 17:34:30

    This is a real emotional and expressive poem Christine, painfully beautiful. “I simply want what I cannot have.” I have never been in your exact situation but I know I have felt like this at one point or another in my life.
    It takes guts to put yourself out there and you really did that with this piece – thank you for sharing. Hugs! 🙂 x

    Reply

  7. Caddo
    Oct 30, 2013 @ 18:43:21

    Reading this reminded me of many a family gathering “way back when”…I think I understand well what you’re saying. These “after” feelings are so normal, much as they’re no treat. Wish I could run next door and pump up the joy juice–I wouldn’t even bother with a costume. Best thing to do is just go with the flow, let things stabilize. I’m playing the “Glad Game” with you–we can be glad you hosted the party, glad you got a wonderfully authentic poem from it….Big Hugs and Smoochies to you!!

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Oct 30, 2013 @ 18:58:46

      Thank you Caddo, my lovely friend. Yes we can be glad I “did” the party and you were there! Your boas kept wafting across my face and made me sneeze! I nearly told you at the time but I fear I mayvhave been carted away!

      Did I hear you say you are playing the glad game too? I will email you. I sent a quickie the other day; hope you got it.

      Big hugs and smoochies to you too. Xx

      Reply

  8. triciabertram
    Oct 31, 2013 @ 00:19:42

    Oh my dear, dear Christine. I can’t see for tears. I’d just read Pooky’s poem, Temptation, and thought ‘there’s nothing in this world I really want’. And then I come to your blog and am faced with the truth, the enormity of my wanting.
    Your description of independence as a ‘casual accessory, flung over a shoulder’ is such a powerful truth, perfectly expressed. You are an amazing poet, with a gift for cutting to the heart of the matter.

    For the past few weeks I’ve been very troubled but unable to see what it is that’s troubling me. I keep saying to my sister ‘I don’t know what’s the matter with me’. And I’ve cut a swathe through Facebook with my heartfelt comments, to the degree some may never communicate with me again. I wasn’t unkind, just honest, and it appears some people don’t appreciate honesty.

    Your powerful words have held up a mirror to my reality. Thanks to your authentic, beautifully written poem, I can now see what is eating away at me, and I thank you so very much. Oh I do love you my friend. You are a beacon in my life, and I suspect the lives of many others.

    I will share this on Facebook and would like your permission to share it with a psychologist who works with people with chronic and life limiting illness, and who also lectures those doing a Masters or PhD in psychology. I will make sure your name is on it. These powerful words can help the helpers to better understand their patients.

    With much love and gratitude
    Tricia ❤ xoxo

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Oct 31, 2013 @ 10:42:18

      Dear Tricia, your comment has moved me in such a way that words alone in reply wont suffice, but I will try and at the same time please know how connected my soul feels to yours.

      When I doubt posting the darker poems I need nothing more by way of encouragement to do so than your words here. If I can be of even miniscule help to someone else by how I express what is happening to me then that is enough.

      Honesty has to be a part of my writing otherwise it wouldnt be real and would be pointless. It takes courage and strength to be honest and I truly admire you for yours.

      I would be absolutely delighted for you to share my poem in a wider space; in fact, it may sound pathetic (I hope it doesnt) but it will help me to feel useful again, something I struggle with in a massive way. So please do share it and I hope the words reach out and help others to know that its not only okay to feel like this, but its okay to express it too. It doesnt mean we are weak but strong, very strong.

      Thank you for all your love and support. I love you.

      Xxx ❤

      Reply

  9. lscotthoughts
    Oct 31, 2013 @ 00:20:50

    I can’t think of words to say that haven’t already been used, Chris, so I’ll just repeat! Your poem is beautifully written, even though it is very sad…I love your use of metaphors; wonderful! I don’t have the answer because I’m looking for “it” too (for another reason, as you know), but I just hope you continue writing about how you feel, emotionally and/or physically, because as Betty said, you may just help someone else who is experiencing something similar.
    I, too, often wonder about posting darker poems, like the one I did a few days ago. I have another one, too, ready for publishing, but I’m not sure if I should because here I’m wanting to be encouraging and inspiring to others going through tough times. Well, I think it’s just part of life and by writing it down, it helps us and I think others like to read honesty, as well…that is my two cents! Anyway, Big Hugs, Chris, and just keep on keepin’ on, okay? xoxo ♥

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Oct 31, 2013 @ 11:03:22

      Thank you Lauren, for your lovely warm comment. I thought this would resonate with you albeit for a different reason, but the situation doesn’t matter, the feelings which emanate can be the same., so I do understand to some degree, your struggle too.

      As far as sharing the darker stuff, I am learning from feedback that rather than putting people off it so very often helps; first, by being honest and feeling able to share, it shows we are human with all that entails, and also we just dont know how far reaching our words will be. So i would share the things that you doubt. You cant be happy and encouraging for everyone all the time, though your positive poems are extremely uplifting, and on a bad day for me its wonderful to read your encouraging words. I guess once again its all about balance, we share the good and the bad because that is what life is all about for each one of us.

      And yes, I will definitely kerp on keping on, along with you.

      HBL ❤ xx

      Reply

  10. suzywordmuser
    Oct 31, 2013 @ 00:25:14

    I really love your honesty in your poetry Christine! And you manage to convey the message of how harshly life is treating you without drawing the reader to feel ‘obliged’ to have sympathy – out of sadness. But you say it in such a way, it makes the reader ‘connect’ in sympathy which in my mind is an entirely different thing, and what we all need in this world just to get through another day sometimes! 🙂

    It takes a lot of thought and skill to be able to do that. Some of the best writers in history like Charles Bukowski for example excelled in doing that, conveying great sadness that made the reader feel they knew him.

    And I love this bit.
    ‘Family and friends have left,
    wearing their independence
    like a casual accessory
    flung over a shoulder’
    And we do – those of us that can walk and have full independence really don’t realise what a miracle it is to be walking upright on two thin legs and have pretty much endless energy. It’s not until these thing are taken from us that wet truly realise what we had. And it’s no-one’s fault that we think like that, it’s the way it is – a bit like taking electricity for granted, life would be horrific without it, but on a daily basis we give it little thought!

    That’s miserable to be feeling the way you do, but hopefully you will at least get some small consolation, that at least in the midst of illness stealing from you, you have acquired a talent to tell the world ‘how it feels.’ That’s a great gift, and can only really come from someone who knows how it feels!! 🙂

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Oct 31, 2013 @ 11:14:58

      Hi Suzy, and thank you so much for this powerful comment. I am so pleased that when I write on the darker ide of things, it comes across as connecting in sympathy; this is such a wonderful way to describe how I would like it to come across. So thank you for putting it in such a way that helps me to have more confidence and conviction when writing on the darker side.

      It seems a shame that we take so much for granted until it is taken away, but as you so rightly say this isnt anyone’s fault; it is simply how itis. Last week our boiler broke and we were without heating and hot water for a few days. My, how I appreciate those things again now! Sometimes we need a jolt such as this to redress the balanceand restore some gratitude.

      Your comnent has left me with a contented feeling of warmth Suzy, thank you 😊 xx

      Reply

  11. leamuse
    Oct 31, 2013 @ 07:38:18

    Oh Christine, I literally have goosebumps! That was so sad but so very powerful.
    Your powerful gift of expressing what most cannot put into words is impressive and will help many struggling to put a handle on their pain and fear.
    I’m wrapping you up in my warmest thoughts and do believe better days are on their way! Love, Lea 🙂
    Xxx

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Oct 31, 2013 @ 11:24:05

      Lea, being wrapped up in your warmest thoughts is all I need for today, thank you.

      I hope you realise how much your postcards help and uplift me. I love hearing about the trips you take to all the various places of interest and to top it off with receiving postcards gives memore pleasure than you may imagine; I so appreciate our growing fiendship. And I can never get enough virtual coffee and chestnut cake!! 😊 And because of you I now have two gorgeous paintings on my wall and Annegret is doing some more small ones for my daughters as Christmas presents from me! 😊

      Love
      xxx

      Reply

  12. leamuse
    Oct 31, 2013 @ 07:40:17

    BTW, the like button just is never enough for your posts! 🙂 Xxx

    Reply

  13. Through My Eyes
    Oct 31, 2013 @ 07:44:17

    Poignant and sad Christine. It leaves me wanting to give to you, to fix it for you. Just so you know, your writing talent is amazing. I’m sending you my warmest hugs. I hope this helps in some small way. Love Norma xxx

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Oct 31, 2013 @ 11:38:22

      Hi Norma, and thank you for this loving comment; your warmest hugs are more than enough, they mean a great deal to me.

      I wish I could “fix it” too, but generally I am coping with it all very well, certainly better now than a year ago when I think for many months I was still in a state of shock fom the diagnosis, at the same ime feeling relief that we finally had a name for this illness which seems to have been “invisible” for many years. I am becoming accustomed to many “new normals” slowly but surely but when an occasion such as the poem refers to happens, even though I try to prepare myself for its aftermath, knowing how it can affect me, it still takes me by surprise every time. Writing about it this time has definitely helped.

      And being part of a blogging community is another great joy which I never expected and I always feel a frisson of excitement when I see in my inbox a new photo from Through My Eyes 😊 xx

      Reply

      • Through My Eyes
        Oct 31, 2013 @ 13:17:55

        You’re too kind Christine. I’m glad to hear you’re coping. I must say that I enjoy the blogging community too and I have my favs as well and you’re one of them. God bless 🙂

    • journeyintopoetry
      Oct 31, 2013 @ 14:01:43

      Reply

  14. Libby
    Nov 03, 2013 @ 11:27:27

    So poignant and beautifully expressed. I love the limp balloon mataphore.

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Nov 03, 2013 @ 11:45:29

      Thank you Libby!

      I know that this feeling appears every time we have a family gathering or event, and however much I prepare myself emotionally it always grabs me by surprise. x

      Reply

  15. Holistic Wayfarer
    Nov 03, 2013 @ 12:54:34

    You’re coming along quite well for one new to the world of poetry. Blessings.

    Reply

  16. Peter Wells aka Countingducks
    Nov 04, 2013 @ 13:56:14

    There is increasing depth and introspection in your verses these days, but also such a love of life and a wish to participate it in it more, so that the words become more than moving.

    What you have is special, regardless of the festivals that pass: that much is very clear to me

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Nov 04, 2013 @ 14:19:05

      Peter, thank you.

      I appreciate your comments from a deep down place inside. Most of the time I am positive because really, where is the point in not being? However, human I am,and with all that it brings, a sense of grief and subsequent dissatisfaction come into play, which is fine as long I allow it to be short lived. Having a rant and letting out all the negative emotions is very freeing and healthy too, I feel. Bottling up negative feelings can lead to depression.

      Anyway, I braced myself wholeheartedly for our family party with grandchildren over fro m Ireland. It was wonderful to hear a little one say, “Look everyone, grandma’s a bee”!! 😊

      Reply

      • Peter Wells aka Countingducks
        Nov 04, 2013 @ 14:21:44

        That is lovely. I am grand child free at the moment, but hopefully one day I will not be. Whatever you mood, or feeing, there is always something raw and honest and moving about your verse, and that is a treasure I always look forward to

      • journeyintopoetry
        Nov 04, 2013 @ 14:25:56

        Thank you. After reading your comment and reading back my reply, I have in mind to post a picture of “the bee” on here, just for fun and to lighten the mood, because although I felt very down when I wrote the poem, the day before when the party was in full swing, the sun was shining through that bee, even though the wall was propping me up! 😄

  17. harulawordsthatserve
    Nov 04, 2013 @ 20:48:07

    Oh Christine, I’m sorry the after the party feeling is so disappointing, yet you express it so well in this poem with some great imagery ‘the bubble of normal’ and the ‘limp balloon’ you can’t pick up…but I know you’ll manage to pick yourself up, just give it time and don’t rush yourself. That last line does make it feel so cruel, but you are surrounded by much friendship and love and we’ll continue to be here appreciating you, however you show up. So much love and a big hug, Harula xxxxxxx

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Nov 04, 2013 @ 21:14:22

      Harula, thank you so much for this warm loving comment; it means a lot to me. I hope the poem didnt come across as me seeking sympathy, that wasnt the intention. I just needed to express the emotions which flooded me and it helped writing and sharing. I wiil be good in a day or two. My positivity will shine through! 😊
      I have decided to post the photo of “the bee” here!

      Love and hugs xx

      Reply

  18. PookyH
    Nov 04, 2013 @ 20:51:42

    Wow…. I don’t have the words but I sure as well wish I was near enough to give you a hug or hold your hand.

    This is so beautiful and it helps me to understand your world so much better – but it makes me deeply, deeply sad.

    “Family and friends have left,
    wearing their independence
    like a casual accessory
    flung over a shoulder,”

    Really imprinted on me and is unlikely to to away.

    I hope that with time the pain of being left behind starts to dull and you can begin to enjoy the happy memories – I assume the good times were especially good for their departure to have left such a huge dent?

    Is it better to have loved and lost?

    Sending hugs x

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Nov 04, 2013 @ 21:02:02

      Its a feeling that comes every time Pooky, whenever there has been an event or some occasion where I used to be so active. However much I prepare myself or the aftermath, it always takes me by surprise. But this time it was exacerbated by the fact that our son and his wife and three little ones then had to go back to Ireland. I will be ok in a few days; writing about it always helps, and hopefully may help others too.

      As I said to someone else who commented I may post a photo on here of me dressed as a bee at our Halloween party, just to lighten the mood. Its always good to compare the emotions because the sad ones are fleeting as can be the good ones. And when Im down I just have to look back at a photo or think back, and I know the good emotions are posible and will be back. 😊 Xx

      Reply

  19. Fergiemoto
    Nov 04, 2013 @ 22:04:30

    Beautifully written, and yet, I can feel and empathize with you on the tired feelings. I spent three entire days in bed last week, a result of crashing from exhaustion, and moving very slowly since. I hope you can regain some energy and strength soon.

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Nov 05, 2013 @ 09:48:44

      Thank you so much Fergie!

      Crashing from exhaustion is horrible, but I guess it’s our bodies screaming at us to listen. Sometimes we think we can just go on and on. And Im not surprised you are exhausted with all you are dealing with right now. So I, too, hope you regain some strength vey soon.

      Love and hugs
      Xxx

      Reply

  20. Jane Thorne
    Nov 05, 2013 @ 13:23:18

    I am with you offering a cuppa from a funky teapot and saying, rest my friend. For when life catches us on the raw and we cry out with exhaustion…rest, rest is all we need. Your way of ‘being’ touches us all and we are blessed to have your insight. Much love and biggest hug my friend. Xxxxx

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Nov 05, 2013 @ 13:31:52

      Hi Jane and thank you!

      One day I would love to pour you a real cuppa from one of my funky teapots! Never say never!

      I am ok again now. My spirits have been restored to the positive place where they usually sit very comfortably. Its like you say “when life catches us on the raw…”

      Lots of love and hugs
      Xxx

      Reply

  21. bardessdmdenton
    Nov 07, 2013 @ 19:54:01

    So much feeling in this, through its honesty. I know it is specific to how MS affects you, but as it ‘spoke’ of the difficult reality of your experience, it also was very relatable for me. I add this comment belatedly and am glad you are feeling better now. Those down days happen to everyone – I am feeling weepy today and can’t really understand why … I guess, my soul is ‘doing something’ it needs to do.

    But sending you love and hugs makes me feel a whole lot better, too! XO ♥

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Nov 07, 2013 @ 20:11:20

      Thank you very much Diane.

      Im really pleased that you could relate to the poem (though not that youre feeling down of course), because I always hope that what I write about can be universal and not just applicable to my particular condition. I want to reach out, it gives me a feeling that I am giving something worthwhile.

      Im sorry you’re feeling weepy, but I like what you say about your soul. I truly hope you feel better soon; sometimes we just cant explain these things. Sending you love and hugs in abundance to help you feel better. ❤ Xx

      Reply

  22. wbdeejay
    Nov 10, 2013 @ 13:03:43

    Hi Christine, I will add to the chorus of support. This poem has connected with me very closely – my own life experiences in many ways, and yet so differently as well. Write what you need to write, no matter the mood – you do this so well. It is also what I must do to get by. I share with you what I am learning: Do as much as you can, when you can. And when you can do nothing at all, take the time to be at peace with yourself and rest as needed.
    Not to say this is easy to do, but it is my goal.
    Loving thoughts your way.
    Peter

    Reply

  23. journeyintopoetry
    Nov 10, 2013 @ 13:21:04

    Hi Peter,

    Thanks so much for visiting and for your lovely comment, which is so very much appreciated. And thank you for following too! I have just popped over to your blog and will have another look a bit later. I love what I have read so far!

    I am still learning how to handle the debilitating effects of a chronic illness with all that entails, and writing has saved my sanity (I think!!) and helped me to “stay alive”.

    Your advice to be at peace with myself when things are difficult moved me and so thank you for caring even though we don’t know each other.

    Loving thoughts to you too
    Christine

    .

    Reply

    • Francina
      Nov 11, 2013 @ 21:33:00

      Dear Christine, bittersweet poem with an ending line that plays the heart strings. Excelent write. You call it the darker stuff. I look at it as honesty and bravery. Poems like your one are difficult to write because they come from deep within. Your poetry is more than a rant on an off day when too low energy levels create an after party mood and coping is much more difficult to do. Many readers will find comfort in your poem , dear Christine, so please never think not to share your poems. Love and warm hugs from across the creek xoxo

      Reply

      • journeyintopoetry
        Nov 12, 2013 @ 10:38:14

        Thank you so much Francina. Your lovely warm comment is very reassuring as I do beome concerned about sharing the deeper stuff. But Its why I started writing in the first place, and it helps me so much to express how I feel on paper (well, a screen!! 😊). And now some of it is actually on paper and helping others just gives me a huge lift!

        Lots of love and big hugs
        Xxx

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