What I Thought Was Mine

Today as I walk

toward hope of a clearer truth,

the one that all the books say is the best,

I will still rail against this pernicious disease

and go nowhere gently

because I am who I am.

I shall do mindful moments and meditate,

emerge feeling free –

for a while at least

assured that this is the way

because we all know that

now is all we have.

But beneath all,

I will silently seethe and shout

while I pointlessly crave my old life

as every day that passes it seems

a little more of what I thought was mine

is taken away.

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65 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ina
    Mar 01, 2014 @ 12:15:20

    Big hugs {{{ Christine }}} life sucks at times xx

    Reply

  2. leamuse
    Mar 01, 2014 @ 12:20:27

    Christine, poignant, edgy and so very real. Feelings that have been so close to my surface more times than I care to remember. Your courage in baring these feelings will do so very much for many! You never cease to amaze me!
    Love,
    Léa
    xxxx

    Reply

  3. Cynthia Jobin
    Mar 01, 2014 @ 12:30:01

    The truth is not in the books. You are royally pissed-off, that’s the truth. I can hear your silent scream clear across the pond. I join you in it.

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Mar 01, 2014 @ 12:44:52

      Oh Cynthia! Thank you for this fabulous comment!! You have summarised the poem perfectly, I am indeed royally pissed-off. I am glad of your company in the silent screams, not that I wish upon you anything at all to scream about. Thank you for lifting my spirits because your comment brought a smile.

      Reply

  4. Libby
    Mar 01, 2014 @ 12:39:20

    You may rail but your strength and courage shines through. Sending virtual hugs your way.

    Reply

  5. Peter Wells aka Countingducks
    Mar 01, 2014 @ 13:03:31

    The lines are raw and honest but those of us who know, if only at a distance think more of the person behind the words and wish that your life did not have this burden, and that the unkindest stroke of fate can sometimes be visited on the kindest people. I hope you have many many ‘nows’ and that most of them are blessed with sunshine 🙂

    Reply

  6. Thomas Milner
    Mar 01, 2014 @ 13:29:52

    Raw and moving – Tom x

    Reply

  7. Jackie
    Mar 01, 2014 @ 13:32:03

    A fibro fog has descended upon my brain this morning so I’m struggling to find thoughts and words through the haze and it’s pissing me off. This poem says what I can’t right now – thank you. *big hugs*

    Reply

  8. Blackbird
    Mar 01, 2014 @ 19:51:14

    Wrenchingly, furiously beautiful! Thank you for sharing your raw honesty!

    Reply

  9. Janette moran
    Mar 01, 2014 @ 20:54:41

    What a brilliant poem …. I’m glad you let all these feelings out and share them rather than keeping them in and you do it very eloquently. I’m not trying to put a positive spin on you quite justifiably feeling rubbish but just a reflection after reading this …. each time you write a poem, maybe something is being added to you rather than taken away, you’re replacing what is being taken away with new reflections, expressions etc (still doesn’t bring the old life back I know but it’s important not to miss the ‘now’ of awakenings that come with each poem you write) xx

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Mar 01, 2014 @ 21:11:14

      Thank you Janette, this is such a lovely comment. I hadnt really seen it like this but you are right, I guess something is added. What you say makes a lot of sense. I need to hold onto that. Xxx

      Reply

  10. Janette moran
    Mar 01, 2014 @ 21:29:21

    Xx

    Reply

  11. lscotthoughts
    Mar 02, 2014 @ 00:51:27

    This got me teary-eyed, Chris, beautiful, raw and honest…I also think it can be applied to many lives around, mine, to name, which you know what I’m talking about…sending many hugs your way and lots of love! xoxo ♥

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Mar 02, 2014 @ 11:04:24

      Thank you very much Lauren. And yes, it absolutely can apply to lots of people’s lives whatever they are going through and I am vey much aware of your ongoing struggles. It’s so good to write about this atuff for its personal therapeutic benefits but if it can also help someone else to feel less alone with what they are going through then that is a big bonus, a huge gift for me and an incentive to keep on writing.

      HBL ❤ xxx

      Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Mar 02, 2014 @ 17:42:02

      Thank you Lauren. Sunday has been quiet and rainy – an ok combination as it has felt cosy ❤ xxx

      Reply

      • lscotthoughts
        Mar 02, 2014 @ 18:14:39

        The same here and you know how much we need the rain..it’s been constant for a few days now. Steph came home yesterday, so it’s been a fun visit, but she’s going back to her college home this afternoon. I’m glad she’s close enough to do this every so often. Stay cosy and sending warm hugs!

    • journeyintopoetry
      Mar 02, 2014 @ 18:26:17

      Im pleased for you that she is close enough; it makes a big difference. Cosy hugs back to you ❤ xxx

      Reply

  12. bardessdmdenton
    Mar 02, 2014 @ 00:58:59

    Oh, Christine, this really did reach right into my heart, as I so felt the injustice of what has been visited on you. It is wonderful poem for its truth in speaking about your anger because of what has been and continues to be taken from you, but also for how that same anger understands itself. When we are given little choice in what happens to us, acceptance doesn’t have to be passive but active as your poetry has wonderfully demonstrated. All the same, a big hug and lots of love coming your way for just a little easing of your struggle. Blessings. XO

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Mar 02, 2014 @ 11:14:16

      Thank you so much Diane, for this lovely ompassionate comment. My accptance will never be passive, its just not me, and sometimes I think the seething and shouting re-fuels my determination not to give in and to live my life’s best offering, but sometimes its best just isnt good enough and the craving for my old life is as strong as the craving of a drink for the active alcoholic.

      Lots of love and hugs and good wishes for the new novel! 😊❤ xxx

      Reply

  13. Mirada
    Mar 02, 2014 @ 02:12:14

    I’m glad you write the truth of your experience. Life can’t always be happy-skippy-joy-joy, and we can’t always write it with a humorously entertaining spin. If we only write “cheerful”, it suggests we have no depth; and if we have no depth, we have little or no compassion. It is the days of struggle, shouting and seething anger, quiet simmering resentment, which clear the way for refreshing rains of peace and hopeful joy–and more gratitude, wisdom; then we have something rich to share–the Whole Picture. That is what encourages us all to keep going. My 2 pence! Hs and Ss–and an order of smoochines and pineapple mushly

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Mar 02, 2014 @ 10:55:50

      Oooh pineapple mushly! It.just gets better and better!
      On a serious note thank you for this comment; it’s something you and I chat about often isn’t it and some days even the glad game isn’t possible. I really love your expression, “clear the way for refreshing rains of peace and hopeful joy”.
      That’s what I will take with me through today and till whenever those refreshing rains return, because they will, and you so often help me to feel them again, falling onto my face, a wondrous gift. (The rains falling on my face of course, not you – although knowing me, knowing you!,,) see! Youve brought my sense of humour back already!

      Hs and Ss, and your order of pineapple mushly is ready madame, please be seated and Theo will bring it to you – with starched white napkin to dab one’s mouth.

      Reply

      • Mirada
        Mar 02, 2014 @ 11:31:58

        Ohhh I thank you for this bit of true heart-Joy before I “honk” of finding my bed. Yes, I dare say the 2 of us would be falling on our knees, if not faces, with all the giggling over things other people don’t see as particularly humorous. But would we care? NO! Oooh, how much do I tip Theo? I s’pose I could just ask him–he’s likely honest enough not to rob me, and would be great help since I can’t manage British currency. Is it nearly time for noon “tea”?

    • journeyintopoetry
      Mar 02, 2014 @ 11:46:41

      Theo preparing noon tea as I type. He is mulling over the tip situation working out how much a new box of stickle bricks might be!

      And no we wouldnt care ! Anyway, how could we even possibly begin to explain?!!

      Reply

      • Mirada
        Mar 02, 2014 @ 11:53:52

        There’s no way to explain, it’s like one of the great mysteries, which is just how we like it! Wish I were there for tea–I’ll bring a bag of crisps.

    • journeyintopoetry
      Mar 02, 2014 @ 13:40:23

      Or two!

      Reply

  14. Jane Thorne
    Mar 02, 2014 @ 17:01:52

    Your writing has reached a new level my funky teapot friend…I am raising a cuppa to you and your ability to relate to all who read your words. Xxx

    Reply

  15. greenlightlady
    Mar 02, 2014 @ 17:48:53

    Oh Christine, this is beautifully powerful and honest. We each are losing what we thought was ours slowly; however, with MS or ALS or MD or whatever… the loss is accelerated. Hugs to you dear poet friend for your poignant reminder to stay in the moment and not miss out on any jewels we may find in today. Your poetry is blossoming.

    Blessings ~ Wendy ❀

    Reply

  16. kathryningrid
    Mar 03, 2014 @ 06:58:29

    I don’t know if your process of discovering how to outwit and defeat the depredations of your health-attacking Monster led you to poetry or is more truly fueling its growth, but you speak your truth with astonishing clarity and painful beauty now, even in those hellish moments when you might question how to keep moving. And yet there’s obviously still a loving, joyful, amazingly whole person within the artist, too, so I thank you for letting us know both parts of who you are. You are both gifted and gift, dear Christine.
    I send you love.
    Kathryn

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Mar 03, 2014 @ 12:08:34

      Kathryn, thank you for this wonderful comment. I have always said that the Monster did indirectly lead me to poetry, but maybe it was already there waiting for something to unleash it. It would have been nice for something positive to oblige with such unleashing but it wasnt to be. That’s life I guess and it is certainly capable of shocking us just when we think we have it all worked out.

      Im needing more physical help slowly but surely and for someone who is fiercely independent, this has a big sting. I have to swallow(even if it chokes me) my pride and become humble enough to accept help graciously. Im working on it!!! 😊

      Thank you again for your tremendous support and encouragement. Oh, and by the way, I am so enjoying your book! XxxlovexxX

      Reply

  17. Thomas Davis
    Mar 04, 2014 @ 15:48:46

    Having health or handicap issues is tough, Christine. If there is one thing I approve of whole heartedly, though, it is standing up to what ails you and fighting it tooth and nail. Our family has an hereditary disease, Charot Marie Tooth, and one brother went into alcohol and crazy behavior to deal with it. He is a wonderful human being in many ways, but his life has been mostly a tragedy. If you let the pain get to you, it takes over. The best way is to ignore it when you can and it is not so fierce that it takes away your independence, but then spit and claw at it when it starts dominating thoughts and emotions and forcing you into a box that seems like it is closing in on all four sides. I celebrate the attitude behind this poem.

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Mar 04, 2014 @ 17:01:22

      Thank you very much Tom. I agree with you wholeheartedly about fighting tooth and nail. I have no intention of letting this monster win! Ive even recently been horse riding at a centre for disabled riders. I have never been near a horse before but was determined to have ago.; they have to lift me on and off but while I am on hm it feels great.

      You have told me before about your family condition and it must be very hard, and on top you have had further health problems too, so I truly admire your strength. Its a shame about your brother’s relationship with alcohol but I can completely understand how it sucked him in.

      I do find that writing my way around some of my difficulties seems to serve to re-fuel my gratitude and gives my determination not to be worn down another big shove!! 😄

      Reply

  18. SuzyHazelwood
    Mar 04, 2014 @ 17:59:58

    I very much agree with what Cynthia said to you about ‘the silent scream’ that sums a up a lot of what I was thinking when I was reading your more than honest words. It’s weird how life can be so full of beauty and yet so full of stagnant frustration – life is often a bitch! 😦

    I’m sure your poem could be read on many levels, which is good! Even someone suffering from depression or external circumstances that go against them most of the time, could relate to what you’ve said here, I’m sure. Maybe that covers most of the world! You should publish that book now! 😉

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Mar 04, 2014 @ 18:12:07

      Thank you very much Suzy. Your lovely comment is so reassuring because when I write on the darker side of things I do try to make the words universal and what you have said indicates that I have succeeded in doing so with this poem. That really lifts me. I never write this sort of thing for sympathy or in a self pittying way. What I do it for is to help rid me of frustrations which, if botled up, can lead me to an even darker place, but also in the hope that somone else somewhere out there might benefit from the words too even if it is simply that they feel less alone. Illness can be a very lonely place. Thank ou for your wonderful support xxx

      Reply

  19. PookyH
    Mar 04, 2014 @ 21:09:38

    Do you know what? I think you have every right to be pissed off. It’s totally unfair that you have this bastard illness taking everything away from you when you’d fought hard, and won, against other demons. It certainly makes me angry.

    This is beautifully written and if I’d not known the person behind it I’d have just appreciated it as a sad but lovely piece of writing, whereas, being privileged enough to know just a little of you, it makes me, too, seethe.

    Rant over. Sending hugs. x

    Reply

  20. livingwithshadows
    Mar 07, 2014 @ 05:47:09

    oh my goodness i feel your pain and rage in this and i empathise completely.

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Mar 07, 2014 @ 15:02:15

      Thanks so much for this heartfelt comment. This poem was born out of a very difficult month of fatigue and new symptoms. I am sure you understand all of this. Writing about it does me so much good and I do hope it might help others too.

      Reply

  21. Betty Hayes Albright
    Mar 13, 2014 @ 20:05:35

    Oh Christine, I FEEL this. We need to rant and rail – in our heart of hearts, in the depths of our spirits. And then we’ll be heard. Well written, and I know so many others who can relate. Sending more hugs your way!

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Mar 14, 2014 @ 14:02:07

      Thank you very much Betty. Sometimes writing down and sharing the stark truth seems to help so much and can stop a feeling of sadness and frustration from turning itself into a well of self pity. After all, these feelings are real for all of us at times so why hide them? They are real! Sending love and hugs xxx

      Reply

  22. Through My Eyes
    Mar 22, 2014 @ 13:04:47

    Raw honesty. Stay strong Christine. Sending you hugs xxxooo

    Reply

  23. Angela
    Mar 26, 2014 @ 16:28:12

    What a great poem, Christine; it comes right from the edges of your emotion and the depths of your soul, slicing its way into the day to day reality. I find poetry sooo therapeutic. For many reasons, I have written poem after poem, and then binned them because they are just too raw to publish; I wrote them just for me. I hope you get some kind of solace from writing – it feels like you do when I read your poem. Just write… and write.
    Much love and hugs to you, my friend. xxx

    Reply

    • journeyintopoetry
      Mar 27, 2014 @ 11:28:08

      Thank you so much Angela. Yes I find great solace in writing. And I can understand how your writing can feel too raw to share. Sometimes we simply need to write solely for ourselves. And then others such as this one, I feel I want to share in the hope of maybe touching someone else and helping hem feel less alone with their own struggles. Sending love and hugs xxx

      Reply

  24. Aquileana
    Apr 05, 2014 @ 02:13:49

    Great poem, open and raw…
    I believe you have perfectly put down in words some common overwhelming feelings, and you did it very well. Thanks for sharing, Aquileana 😛

    Reply

  25. Trackback: Poetry Prompt: Something that Scares You | Pooky's Poems
  26. Tracesofthesoul
    May 03, 2014 @ 02:44:21

    Very poignant and real, Belinda. Blessings ((((((( hugs )))))))))

    Reply

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